


What Would You Say to Your Younger Self

by cobblestaubrey



Series: figure my heart out [5]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Jackie literally can't believe that Jan feels things too, Jan is scared but Jackie is too and it sucks, Light Angst, Texting, college move in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:55:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25661725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cobblestaubrey/pseuds/cobblestaubrey
Summary: Jan fought tooth and nail to get into her dream school. She was also prepared to fight tooth and nail to keep Jackie.Jackie can’t fight off her own fears.The fifth part in the "Figure My Heart Out" series. Jan's moving in to college, but Jackie's scared of moving forward.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Series: figure my heart out [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1792651
Comments: 14
Kudos: 26





	What Would You Say to Your Younger Self

**Author's Note:**

> Bruh this isn't anything like I thought it was gonna be. 
> 
> I took some liberties with Jan’s dorm - in the actual Meredith Willson Residence Hall, it’s like a suite thing and the rooms are really small. Here Jan just has a roommate and that’s it LOL
> 
> I literally threw out the entire ‘plan’ I had made and just wrote this instead.
> 
> This story is a lot more descriptive than usual. I typically focus on dialogue, but I wanted a clear contrast between Jan and Jackie’s thoughts and how they manifest into their actions. 
> 
> I'm not really sure how I feel about this. I wrote and wrote, but I didn't really think it was ever enough, you know?

Jan couldn't believe this was her life, as she scanned her room, taking in the empty walls. After an amazing summer that had truly ended with a _bang_ (Jan snorted at her own innuendo, hoping she'd remember to tell Jackie it later), it was time for Jackie and Jan to embark on their new life in the big city. Jackie had moved into her own apartment a week ago, as it was recommended by her financial advisor to save money while attending NYU. Now, she was back home to help Jan pack up before the blonde moved into her own dorm.

Jan had decided that she'd be moving in without her parents, wanting to prove her independence once and for all. Yes, she was officially an adult in most definitions of the word, but she still felt like an overgrown girl from time to time. That's why her own car was in the driveway, ready to be filled with the abundance of boxes Jan had placed on her bed, as opposed to her mother's minivan. 

For the last two hours, Jan had been sorting through her room, waiting for Jackie to come over and help fix the mess she had made. Jan had tried packing alone, but she really had no idea where to start. That's when she stumbled across the old diary she had kept from middle school up until freshman year, covered in stickers and doodles. The pages were only slightly yellowed, and there were a few dog ears leading her to some _questionable_ entries.

_Dear Diary,  
_ _Today was the first day of seventh grade, and I HATE it! I’m already sick of geometry. At lunch, it took me five minutes to find a seat, I looked stupid.  
_ _Love,  
_ _Jan_

_Dear Diary,  
__The eighth grade semi formal dance is coming up. I really,_ **_really_ ** _wanted Zach to ask me, but I think he’s going with Violet. My back up was Rosie, but she’s been so caught up with Leah. I feel really left out. I hope my mom lets me get a good dress. She’s so over protective, she won't even let me wear make up to the dance.  
__Jan_

Jan rolled her eyes in mirth at the terribly scrawled paragraphs. She could just barely remember how she felt all those years ago, all those insecurities and anxieties that accompanied her in middle school. Whoever said being twelve years old wasn’t hard, was lying. 

When she had finally reached the passages from ninth grade, she didn't even try to resist the smile that graced her face. She stroked the page she had opened with her thumb, reading over what she had written barely three months into the school year. She had forwent her normal ‘dear diary’ opening when she got to ninth grade, scrawling the date in the top right corner instead.

_There’s a GSA in high school. I want to join, but I don’t want my mom to know. I don’t know what she’d think._

_I saw a cute girl there, but I don’t really know her. She’s probably an ally._

Jan knew she had been writing about Jackie. 

Which was weird, because in retrospect she didn’t understand what had taken the two of them so long to finally get together. Sure, Jan had been forced to drop out of the GSA pretty soon because of the musical, so she didn’t get to really _meet_ Jackie, but Jackie had _also_ been in the musical. They should have interacted sooner. Jan should have _done_ something, she thought. 

Instead, Jan had sent shy glances Jackie’s way that entire Spring of freshman year. The brunette, being herself, was oblivious, however. Jackie had met her eyes around two times that semester, and always looked away quickly.

Throughout her sophomore and junior year, Jan wanted to try dating, but could find no one that could keep up with her or really bothered to try. Along with that, she had no time to waste on people who weren’t worth it. She was always a go-getter, and if people weren’t ready to go with her, then she wasn’t going to stay behind. 

Jackie was not the most impulsive, but she never pulled Jan back. Jackie had her own path, but their paths ran parallel. Even if they weren’t going the same speed, it always seemed like Jackie was right next to Jan when she needed Jackie the most. Jan didn’t need Jackie to be just like her, like she always imagined her prospective partners to be, Jackie just had to support Jan, and Jan was more than content to do the same for her. 

Jan was interrupted from her thoughts about Jackie by the woman herself, who was knocking on the frame of her doorway. “Hey,” Jackie gave one of her soft smiles, before it turned into a smirk when she looked at Jan’s bed. “Lots of empty boxes, huh?”

Jan rolled her eyes goodheartedly. “I got a little distracted,” she said, gesturing to her open diary.

Jackie quirked an eyebrow, before walking over and immediately recognizing the book before her. She grinned, picking it up, but keeping her eyes on Jan’s. “Can I read?” 

Jan knew what entry she was still open up to, but nodded anyway, and watched as Jackie read it. She could see the brunette scan the page, before pausing on the line Jan had also reached. Jan knew that Jackie would never explicitly ask if the entry was about her, but sent Jan a shy smile that implied she definitely knew it was. 

“You were so cute, _joon-am_.” 

Jan would never get tired of that pet name. The first time Jackie had called her that, Jan had quirked her head and asked what it meant. Jackie refused to answer, so Jan listened closely the next time and looked it up. She still pretended she didn’t know the translation, just so Jackie would never feel embarrassed to use it. 

“Were?”

Jackie nodded. “Yeah, I’m not sure what happened,” she said, keeping a straight face. 

Jan scoffed, ripping her diary away from Jackie’s grasp. “For that, you’re on bathroom duty.”

Jackie laughed, shaking her head. “I don’t even know what that would mean, here.”

“You have to pack up all of my makeup and shower products.” Jan put her hands on her hips, pointing her chin towards the bathroom.

That’s when Jan saw realization flash across Jackie’s face, and the blonde laughed when Jackie turned her head reluctantly towards the hundreds of products she’d now have to deal with. 

“Damnit.” 

The two sifted through Jan’s belongings for the better part of the day. It probably wouldn’t have taken so long if Jan didn’t get distracted by every photo and trinket from her childhood, calling Jackie over to tell a story about them. She knew Jackie hated distractions, but the brunette grinned every time Jan showed her something new, anyway.

By the time they were done, Jackie looked like she had seen more hair products than she ever wanted to in her entire life, and Jan felt like she was about to cry. 

“I can’t believe the most important parts of the last eighteen years of my life are in these boxes,” Jan murmured, and Jackie wrapped an arm around Jan’s shoulder, pulling her close.

Jackie said nothing, which Jan was thankful for, because she could feel all of her emotions about to pour out all at once. 

“I’m gonna miss this,” Jan sunk further into Jackie’s embrace, trying not to soak Jackie’s cotton tee.

“We’ll still be really close,” she heard Jackie respond. 

Jan shook her head as much as she could, lifting her head up to look Jackie in the eye. “I know, but…” Jan could see the fear flash across Jackie’s face, but she couldn’t stop herself. “With classes, and all the new people we’re going to meet… I’m just afraid of how much time we’ll really have together.”

Jackie’s eyes switched between Jan’s. “I don’t know what to say to that.”

Jan shrugged. “Believe me, Jackie, I don’t want to lose you. I just got you.” Jan wrapped her arms around Jackie’s waist, squeezing gently. “But we can’t go in pretending this is going to be completely fine.” 

“We’ll make time,” Jackie said resolutely, nodding once. Jan wished that the confidence in Jackie’s voice would bleed over into her own thoughts, but her heart still felt heavy. 

“Okay,” Jan said anyway, reaching up to peck Jackie on the lips. “It’ll be hard, though.” She couldn’t help tacking that on, watching the way that Jackie swallowed, clenching her jaw slightly. 

“Yeah,” the brunette sighed out. “But the best things in life aren’t free. And you’re the best thing in mine.”

Those little lines Jackie would drop always made Jan swoon. Jackie was so full of unadulterated love. She was still a bit broken, a bit worn down by what life had done to her, like anyone, but she never took that out on Jan. Typically Jan viewed herself as an optimist and Jackie as a pessimist, but those roles reversed in times like these, and it comforted Jan like nothing else. 

“You’re the best thing in my life, too,” Jan said, and it felt like ‘I love you’ all over again.

* * *

Helping Jan move in was a lot easier than helping her pack, Jackie thought as she brought another box to the elevator. The blonde had been assigned to the fourth floor of the Meredith Willson Residence Hall, so Jackie had never been happier to see an elevator in her life. They spent the better part of the afternoon going up and down the floors, bringing in a few boxes at a time. 

Jan’s roommate was already settled, a dancer named Lila who appeared to be as peppy as Jan herself. Jackie wasn’t surprised -- it seemed that everyone on the campus was a bit like Jan, singing and speed-walking, shouting to their new friends and roommates.

Lila said that her friends called her Lemon, but Jackie didn’t know whether she was allowed to call Lila that, so she stuck to the woman’s given name. 

The dancer had given Jan a hug, while Jackie offered her a firm handshake that Lila reciprocated, albeit softly. 

“This is my girlfriend, Jackie!” Jan had said, and Lila smiled warmly, telling Jan about her boyfriend, Max or Matt or Mark or something, who had helped her move in the day before. 

“What are partners for, if not manual labor,” Lila laughed, and Jan joined her. Jackie smiled kindly, but felt like she was going to die. She didn’t belong here, and Jan did, Jan _so_ belonged here, with these beautiful people and their beautiful art, created by their own voices or movements. 

Why couldn’t she just be happy for Jan? Jackie got gotten five good months with Jan, and now it was time to watch her flourish where she was meant to be. 

They could have had more time, though, Jackie could have said something sooner, she-

No. Jackie willed her mind to stop wandering, instead distracting herself by unpacking another box, and another, until eventually everything had been shoved into her small 'closet' (which was really just an indent in the wall with a metal bar to hold up Jan's clothes) or put into plastic cabinets under her bed. 

While Jackie finished making Jan's bed ( _"I know how to do it the **proper** way, Jannie." "Yeah, yeah, have fun, Jacks.")_, Lila began to ask Jan about her classes. That gave Jackie the opportunity to scan the room, taking in the full picture. Jan had bought new bedsheets for her twin size bed, replacing her bright purple, childhood bedspread for a more refined and mature, solid lilac sheet. Jackie no longer had a side of Jan’s bed, because this bed looked like it could barely hold one person, let alone two.

Jan no longer had her own sanctuary, instead sharing it with someone who would have way more time with her now than Jackie could have hoped for. 

She didn’t like the way that Jan’s lilac side of the room bled into Lila’s pale yellow bed sheets, despite the two colors going beautifully together. The two women’s voices never quite faded while Jackie continued to scan the room, her eyes landing on the framed photo on Jan’s bedside. It was of her and Jackie, Jackie’s arms wrapped around Jan, the blonde pressing a kiss to Jackie’s cheek. 

That was the type of photo Jackie had never been able to show her mom, keeping it hidden behind hundreds of photos on her camera roll. It was photos like those that made her remember the conversation Jackie had had with her mom before she left with Jan for the city.

_“I'm only trying to understand why you're helping Jan move in. It's a lot of work.”_

_“She wants to do it without her parents. It’s a right of passage towards independence for her.”_

_“Yes, but why does she need_ **_you_ ** _?”_

_..._

_“She’s my best friend.”_

She couldn't tell her mother. She was in love, but she couldn't tell her own family.

Jan was able to have photos on display, to always remind the blonde of Jackie, of their time spent together. The times that had passed, and were only memories now, held together with photographs and the blurry images in Jackie’s head. Now, Jackie was allowed to have that, too, in her own apartment.

The brunette swallowed, allowing herself to again think of their new lives, together and apart. There was less distance between them now than ever before, but Jackie couldn’t ignore the metaphorical distance, the two separate paths they had decided on. Their lives had been uprooted, dismantled, and most of their friends were gone. Sure, they were only a phone call away, but some, like Gigi and Crystal, were across the entire country. Jan and Jackie would have to create entirely new relationships, while balancing school work and each other. 

How long would it be until the photo of Jan and Jackie became another play bill on Jan’s wall? Another reminder of a fond time that had been replaced with better memories, better people?

Then, Jackie felt those strong arms wrap around her, and knew Jan was standing on the balls of her feet to lay her head on Jackie’s shoulder. “Hey, gorg,” she whispered lowly, her eyes going to the same photo that Jackie had been examining. “You ready to go?”

Jackie nodded, still looking forward. “Yeah, I think so.” She wasn’t sure what kind of moment they were having here, so she just moved to leave, making sure to catch Jan’s hand before turning to Lila. “It was really nice meeting you.”

Lila sent her a soft smile, her eyes darting between her and Jan. “Yeah, you too! I think this is going to be a great year.”

Jan grinned back, and with that, the couple made their way down the many flights of stairs (Jackie hated the elevator, only tolerating it before because moving all of Jan’s belongings would have been impossible without it) to find the car. 

Jackie thought she’d tell Jan how she felt eventually, but for now she let it simmer, the small insecurities bubbling to the surface each time Jan would mention her roommate or Juilliard. 

Those terrible thoughts, she would scold herself, would only upset Jan. She couldn’t hold Jan back because this change was hurting her. 

As they drove away from the campus, Jackie watched the clouds pass by. Jan watched the road, but her hands ached to grab Jackie’s. The brunette didn’t notice, clasping her own hands together on her lap.

* * *

Jackie stared up at the ceiling, watching the storm light up her room, as if it were early morning. 

To be fair, it technically _was_ early morning. However, the sun wouldn’t be rising for another three and a half hours. Jackie couldn’t for the life of her fall asleep, however, tracing her eyes over the top of her new room again and again. The lightning was beautiful, but the loud cracks that followed, booming over the sound of the rain falling, made her flinch. 

She hated storms. 

However, like a lot of things in Jackie’s life, watching the storm wreak havoc over the (sort of, almost) quiet city reminded the brunette of her girlfriend. The way Jan would hold her during their sleepovers when thunder would keep the brunette awake. Her usual stoic and disciplined disposition shattering under the roaring winds. All she wanted in this moment was Jan’s body pressed against hers, her even breaths lulling Jackie to sleep. She wanted her girlfriend. Her beautiful, caring, too-far-away girlfriend, who was about to embark on some of the hardest four years of her life. Four years that would probably rip them apart, causing resentment and jealousy, and-

No. Jackie wasn’t doing this tonight. Because Jackie was also embarking on some of the hardest years of her life, and Jan probably had the same worries, the same fears that kept her up at night. 

At least, that’s what Jackie’s therapist said. She’d only been going to her for a few months now, something her guidance counselor had mentioned would help with the adjustment to college, and it had helped, she guessed. Their sessions were online due to Jackie moving to New York City, yet Jackie actually found this to be much easier than meeting her therapist in person. 

However, their conversations drifted from college to Jackie’s general anxiety about most things, and how that anxiety was manifesting itself in her personal relationships. 

So Jackie knew she couldn’t get into this headspace again, keeping herself up by worrying about if Jan would still want her by winter break. Instead, the brunette got out her phone and opened up her messages. She knew that Jan kept her notifications on silent during the night, so Jackie was fine with sending a text to the blonde. 

However, Jackie was exhausted, and exhaustion always led to a little more honesty and vulnerability than Jackie preferred. She didn’t have the strength to overthink her text, or if Jan would even understand the context.

_Jackie  
_ _[2:43 AM]  
_ _I wish you were holding me right now._

She obviously didn’t expect to get a text back. Classes didn’t start up for another week, but Jan had made sure Jackie knew that the blonde’s classes were going to be top priority, and she would not be missing any from lack of sleep or general apathy (which Jackie found endearing, because Jan was the exact opposite in high school).

She set her phone down on her nightstand, repositioning herself to lay on her stomach and squishing her arms under her pillow. Closing her eyes, Jackie tried to rid herself of all thoughts, enjoying the calming sound of the rain hitting her window. 

Then, a bit of light came through her eyelids. Opening her eyes just a bit, she threw her arm out to pat around her night stand until she found her phone. 

_Jan_

_[2:46 AM]_

_the storm will pass baby_

Jackie’s heart swelled, reading over the text three times, forcing her eyes to stay open. 

_Jackie  
_ _[2:48 AM]  
_ _Why are you still up?_

_Jan  
_ _[2:50 AM]  
_ _its just not home yet. i feel alone_

Before Jackie had the chance to craft a response, she watched the speech bubble pop up again on the screen.

_Jan  
_ _[2:51 AM]  
_ _i miss you_

What was she supposed to say to that? She missed Jan, too, of course she did, but she didn’t feel like she deserved to. 

_Jackie  
_ _[2:52 AM]  
_ _You saw me Monday_

_Jan  
_ _[2:52 AM]  
_ _but i didn’t see you today :(_

Jackie laughed a little, but it felt like Jan had reached through the phone and squeezed her heart. She hadn’t seen Jan every day during the summer, or even every day in high school, but this somehow felt worse. This felt lonelier, this longing for Jan, and the only thing that made her feel better was knowing that Jan felt this way, too. Soon, there would be potentially days or even weeks where one of them would be so swamped with work, that they wouldn’t see each other at all. The thought scared Jackie more than her future currently did. 

How long until it didn’t hurt so bad? Until she felt secure enough in her relationship with Jan to know they’ll last through the days apart? 

_Jackie  
_ _[2:54 AM]  
_ _I miss you too._

_Jan  
_ _[2:57 AM]  
_ _this will only get worse_

Jackie stared at the screen, tears welling up in her eyes. Classes hadn’t even started, yet, and it felt like the two were on the brink of giving up. She tried to avoid this conversation when Jan had brought up how hard this would be back when they were packing, but knew now there was no escape, even if they were miles apart. 

_Jackie  
_ _[2:59 AM]  
_ _I don’t only love you when it’s easy or convenient._

She sent it, but immediately began typing again. She had to let Jan know how strongly she felt about her. Jackie was in _love_ with Jan, on the good days, on the bad days, on the days where it felt like nothing really happened, that she might not even remember, but cherished as long as she was with Jan. 

Jackie didn’t feel as tired anymore. She didn’t want to have this conversation over text, but she couldn’t let Jan go to bed without baring her soul to the blonde.

_Jackie  
_ _[3:05 AM]  
_ _I never knew what love felt like before you, but I understand why people fight for it, now. These last weeks have been so good, but these nagging thoughts have been in my mind, about us, about the future. I don’t ever want you to think that I’m not present or I’m not there with you because I want to be somewhere else. Sometimes I’m so afraid of losing you, that my mind runs wild and I leave, when all I want to do is be with you. I’m scared of what’s going to happen when classes start. I’m so scared. But I’m also going to try to make time and make sure to always text you good morning and goodnight. To never let my priorities get messed up, to make sure I’m balancing everything, including our relationship._

She couldn’t stop herself, pouring her heart out to Jan. Again, Jackie knew she’d probably regret some of this in the morning, but her exhausted mind couldn’t make sense of anything except what her fingers were typing out.

_Jackie  
_ _[3:09 AM]  
_ _I don’t know if that sounds pathetic, but I love you. I love you more than anything, and I had never loved before, but now I know what it feels like, and it’s amazing, Jan. Being around you is so amazing, you’re my best friend, and I am so privileged to be your girlfriend. I can’t promise myself or you that I’ll always have time, or I won’t have a week or two where classes and work overtake my life, but I can promise you that when the dust settles, I’ll be there. And when you need me, I’ll be there, too._

Jackie let out a quiet sigh, closing her eyes to rest them for a moment. Then, she read over her text again and again until the speech bubble popped up again, and a message soon after popped up.

_Jan  
_ _[3:11 AM]  
_ _i love you so much baby_

_Jan  
__[3:11 AM]  
__i refuse to lose you but i feel so weak_

Her heart felt a pang again. Her Jan. Her beautiful girlfriend. Jackie couldn’t understand how Jan didn’t see how strong she was. She could only imagine what Jan was doing on the other side of the screen, how she was reacting, if she was upset or blankly staring at Jackie's responses. If Jan thought showing any emotion was a sign of weakness in this moment, or if Jan was trying to stay composed in order to not wake Lila. 

_Jackie  
__[3:12 AM]  
__You fought tooth and nail to get into the school of your dreams. You’re anything but weak._

_Jan  
__[3:12 AM]  
__im gonna fight tooth and nail for you too_

Jackie let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, gripping her phone tighter between her fingers. Things weren’t ending, she had to remind herself. Jan loved her, and Jan wanted to fight for her. She wasn’t going to run off with her new college friends and leave Jackie in the dust- 

Hm, she definitely had some new ideas to bring up to her therapist after this conversation.

_Jan  
__[3:14 AM]  
__you should get some sleep jacks_

_Jan  
_ _[3:14 AM]  
_ _ive got some big plans for tomorrow ;)_

Staring down at her phone, Jackie couldn’t help the blush that traveled from her cheeks to her neck, imagining everything that they could do tomorrow. Jackie’s roommate would be going back to her town about an hour away for some family event, so the couple would have the entire apartment to themselves for the first time.

Jackie remembered now why she was so excited to live without her parents. Having the opportunity to have Jan to herself for a whole day, in her apartment, in her _bedroom_ , that was freedom Jackie craved. 

_Jackie  
_ _[3:16 AM]  
_ _Sounds like a plan_

_Jackie  
_ _[3:16 AM]  
_ _Goodnight baby girl_

_Jan_  
_[3:17 AM]  
_ _night baby <3 <3 <3_

Jackie finally closed her phone, settling back into her normal position to sleep. It was one of the first nights in the last week where Jackie was going to bed with a small smile on her face. She was so relieved to know that she could calm her own thoughts and Jan’s own insecurities, leaving them both a bit more certain about their future. 

Sure, she was still afraid sometimes that maybe she felt too much, and that there was no way that Jan could reciprocate, but then she’d receive a look or a text from Jan, and know that maybe it wasn’t so silly to think that Jan felt the same. That, maybe, they weren’t exactly on the same page, but instead were writing their own stories that intertwined with each other, spiraling like staircases towards something -- Jackie didn’t know _what_ that something was, but it felt like it’d be something good, something worth fighting for.

Maybe things were going to be okay, after all.

She definitely still wanted to talk to her therapist, though.

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah. Things got worse and sort of got better. But they'll probably be getting worse and better and worse again, honestly. You'll have to see, though! Haha! 
> 
> Again, I am not super happy with this, I think? I just don't think there was any best way to get through this. The pacing is sort of whack, yeah. Like, the move in scene is too fast and the text scene is long-ish. Idk. Sorry LOL


End file.
